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babeinthewoodsSubtitled: An open letter to BoyfriendBoy
Dear BoyfriendBoy:
Gosh. It was lovely to hear your voice today after what...37 days?
Sure. It's true. I actually did want to speak with you. I wanted to apologize.
Pardon me, BoyfriendBoy, I have to ask several people to pick their jaws up off the floor.
Yes, darling, it's true. I wanted to apologize to you. I committed a classic blunder. I didn't get involved in a land war in Asia, nor did I go in against a Sicilian when death was on the line...but a classic blunder I did commit.
I didn't get my BoyfriendBoy to babe decoder ring, and so I misunderstood you.
I can see now that I had no reason at all to think I could or should expect anything from you. Not your time, not your interest, not your interaction, not your compassion, not your attention. Nothing. I had no reason to think that you were willing or able to be physically and emotionally present in the relationship you instigated and escalated.
Furthermore, I should have listened to you better. I should have heard the things you said that made it clear that you weren't interested in the work of a relationship...only the rewards of it. I should have listened to the things you said that conformed to my fantasies of what could be with a grain of salt.
I should have listened, and that I didn't is all my fault.
I shouldn't have been so starved for just the idea that someone could love me that I'd disregard anything that didn't fit into my delusional love bubble.
While I was willing, more than willing in fact, to own my mistakes in our relationship it is important for you to understand that you misstepped as well.
You didn't, it would seem, understand the difference between having a girlfriend and having the girlfriend experience, and that is what caused a lot of our strife.
Having a girlfriend is work. You have to put in effort. Energy. You have to be there when things are good and when things are not so good...for her and for you and for both of you.
You have to be interested.
You have to invest time and effort and emotion.
Sure. Sometimes you're busy. Sometimes you have other things to attend to.
And so does she.
Having a girlfriend is part of your life, not something that gets in the way of your life. It's not something you can invoke when it's convenient.
Having a girlfriend is inconvenient sometimes. So is having a boyfriend. You have to plan for time together. You have to think about someone other than yourself.
The payback to the fact that you have to put effort, time and energy into having a girlfriend is that you have a girlfriend. Someone who will still be there in the morning after you wake up flailing your arms in night terrors. Someone who will laugh at the jokes she's heard several times like it's the first time ever. Someone who will look deep in your eyes and tell you she loves you on a day when you're down because you were the person she could count on when things weren't so awesome.
If you can't do that, or aren't willing to do that, what you want is the girlfriend experience. You pay extra for the hooker to pretend she cares about who you are as a person, share pillow talk, and have multi-positional gymnastic sex...but in the end you're paying someone to pretend and then go away when it's not convenient for you to have her around.
So, BoyfriendBoy, after all that time you came crashing back into my life with a thud and a bang. You expected me to be instantly prepared to speak with you frankly and openly even though you made it seem as appealing as having a root canal with your tone, demeanor and your attitude.
You demanded answers to questions you had no right to ask after more than a month of absolute silence and got bitchy and miserable when I was unwilling to give that information.
And why is that?
Because I was your girlfriend.
Was.
I stopped being your girlfriend because you made it clear that you were only interested in having the girlfriend experience.
And now...now that I'm your ex-girlfriend...I'm under no obligation to fit your needs into my life despite the fact that you're suddenly prepared to have them met by me. I'm under no obligation to prioritize your whims and desires.
I'm under no obligation to stroke your ego or soothe your soul for any reason because you couldn't be there for me when I was supposed to be your girlfriend.
For that, at this point in our relationship, you'd have to pay extra and get the girlfriend experience.
For a little extra money, I might pretend I can give a crap about your little and loud complaints. For a little extra money, I might look you in the eye and pretend to listen.
For a little extra money I might smile at you through all the hurt and pain.
The unfortunate thing is, I'm not a hooker, even though that's how you treated me when we were together-so now you don't get the girlfriend experience, you get the ex-girlfriend.
And she doesn't care that you can't see that you need to own as much of what happened as she does.
Dear BoyfriendBoy:
Gosh. It was lovely to hear your voice today after what...37 days?
Sure. It's true. I actually did want to speak with you. I wanted to apologize.
Pardon me, BoyfriendBoy, I have to ask several people to pick their jaws up off the floor.
Yes, darling, it's true. I wanted to apologize to you. I committed a classic blunder. I didn't get involved in a land war in Asia, nor did I go in against a Sicilian when death was on the line...but a classic blunder I did commit.
I didn't get my BoyfriendBoy to babe decoder ring, and so I misunderstood you.
I can see now that I had no reason at all to think I could or should expect anything from you. Not your time, not your interest, not your interaction, not your compassion, not your attention. Nothing. I had no reason to think that you were willing or able to be physically and emotionally present in the relationship you instigated and escalated.
Furthermore, I should have listened to you better. I should have heard the things you said that made it clear that you weren't interested in the work of a relationship...only the rewards of it. I should have listened to the things you said that conformed to my fantasies of what could be with a grain of salt.
I should have listened, and that I didn't is all my fault.
I shouldn't have been so starved for just the idea that someone could love me that I'd disregard anything that didn't fit into my delusional love bubble.
While I was willing, more than willing in fact, to own my mistakes in our relationship it is important for you to understand that you misstepped as well.
You didn't, it would seem, understand the difference between having a girlfriend and having the girlfriend experience, and that is what caused a lot of our strife.
Having a girlfriend is work. You have to put in effort. Energy. You have to be there when things are good and when things are not so good...for her and for you and for both of you.
You have to be interested.
You have to invest time and effort and emotion.
Sure. Sometimes you're busy. Sometimes you have other things to attend to.
And so does she.
Having a girlfriend is part of your life, not something that gets in the way of your life. It's not something you can invoke when it's convenient.
Having a girlfriend is inconvenient sometimes. So is having a boyfriend. You have to plan for time together. You have to think about someone other than yourself.
The payback to the fact that you have to put effort, time and energy into having a girlfriend is that you have a girlfriend. Someone who will still be there in the morning after you wake up flailing your arms in night terrors. Someone who will laugh at the jokes she's heard several times like it's the first time ever. Someone who will look deep in your eyes and tell you she loves you on a day when you're down because you were the person she could count on when things weren't so awesome.
If you can't do that, or aren't willing to do that, what you want is the girlfriend experience. You pay extra for the hooker to pretend she cares about who you are as a person, share pillow talk, and have multi-positional gymnastic sex...but in the end you're paying someone to pretend and then go away when it's not convenient for you to have her around.
So, BoyfriendBoy, after all that time you came crashing back into my life with a thud and a bang. You expected me to be instantly prepared to speak with you frankly and openly even though you made it seem as appealing as having a root canal with your tone, demeanor and your attitude.
You demanded answers to questions you had no right to ask after more than a month of absolute silence and got bitchy and miserable when I was unwilling to give that information.
And why is that?
Because I was your girlfriend.
Was.
I stopped being your girlfriend because you made it clear that you were only interested in having the girlfriend experience.
And now...now that I'm your ex-girlfriend...I'm under no obligation to fit your needs into my life despite the fact that you're suddenly prepared to have them met by me. I'm under no obligation to prioritize your whims and desires.
I'm under no obligation to stroke your ego or soothe your soul for any reason because you couldn't be there for me when I was supposed to be your girlfriend.
For that, at this point in our relationship, you'd have to pay extra and get the girlfriend experience.
For a little extra money, I might pretend I can give a crap about your little and loud complaints. For a little extra money, I might look you in the eye and pretend to listen.
For a little extra money I might smile at you through all the hurt and pain.
The unfortunate thing is, I'm not a hooker, even though that's how you treated me when we were together-so now you don't get the girlfriend experience, you get the ex-girlfriend.
And she doesn't care that you can't see that you need to own as much of what happened as she does.
