Profile

It's come to my attention that in this place, titles and roles are everything. One must have the appropriate title to be considered worthy of respect or to have the appropriate expertise to voice an opinion. Since Fetlife has been remiss in supplying a handy drop down option for me, like Charlemagne, I proclaim myself from this point to be:
### LadyHighEmpressofEverything.
Consider me qualified to be opinionated.

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A love letter from a fan:

defintion of "Flamer"
Exhibit A-see Babeinthewoods

I think it might be my epitaph. Ahhhhhhhhhhh, my work here is done :-)

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### Dude: Before you send me a message asking me if I wanna ride your dumbstick without getting to know you, read the [Manifesto][https://fetlife.com/users/460984/posts/1051733].

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Random comment from someone who made the mistake of allowing themself to be led to babe-land:

"Topping from the bottom, self-depricating narcissist."

Sometimes I get the best reviews :-)
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Today, a friend told me that I was described as "intentionally unapproachable".

I like that.

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## Warning:
Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid
prolonged exposure to babeinthewoods.


## Caution:
babeinthewoods may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds

babeinthewoods contains a liquid core, which if exposed due to rupture
should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at

Do not use babeinthewoods on concrete

Discontinue use of babeinthewoods if any of the following occurs:
•Itching
•Vertigo
•Dizziness
•Tingling in extremities
•Loss of balance or coordination
•Slurred speech
•Temporary blindness
•Profuse Sweating
or
•Heart palpitations

If babeinthewoods begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter
and cover head

babeinthewoods may stick to certain types of skin

When not in use, babeinthewoods should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration

Failure to do so relieves the makers of babeinthewoods , Wacky Products
Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of
any and all liability

Ingredients of babeinthewoods include an unknown glowing substance which
fell to Earth, presumably from outer space

babeinthewoods has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is
also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq

Do not taunt babeinthewoods

babeinthewoods comes with a lifetime guarantee
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babeinthewoods is a mystery, wrapped in an engima...covered by delicious nougat.
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**Note: To understand babeinthewoods, you must first understand the concept of "the exploding noema". The exploding noema is the exact moment that your brain can not reconcile the difference between what should be and what actually is. Once you accept that, understanding babe becomes a piece of cake.**
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## Disclaimer #1 (AKA The Ineffectual Threat):
I'm not going to warn you not to use any of my profile contents. If you're crazy enough to use any of the nonsense here, more power to you and may God have mercy on your soul.

## Disclaimer #2 (AKA The Rules of Engagement):
I'm a girl who identifies as a submissive on a social netorking site. Clearly I've been breaking all known rules by receiving, reading and answering unsolicited messages all on my own. From this point forward, I insist that anyone with foul thoughts, malicious intent or the misguided interest in engaging me in conversation should approach via my [Obligatory Toppy-Type Mail Sorter Person][http://fetlife.com/users/829614] . He's really possessive and won't pass on the messages...but you should write to him first. If you indicate that you'd like to engage in some sort of sexual congress with me, please send detailed descriptions of your intended scenario. He will grade you on originality, attention to detail, spelling, syntax, grammar and will critique your overall worthiness to torture and/or torment me. Should corrections be to his liking, you may be placed on the waiting list, but I wouldn't count on it.

## D/disclaimer #3 (AKA S/slashy S/speak):
I/i C/can N/not R/read O/or S/speak W/with A/a S/stutter. I/instant D/disqualification F/for S/such M/messages U/unless U/used A/as A/a T/tactic A/and A/approved U/under D/disclaimer # 2.


Let's start with the obvious. I'm submissive and kinky. Wow...that's awfully one-dimensional, isn't it? Instead of the usual (and oh, how I hate to be "usual") "My Cliff's Notes", I'll tell you a little about the real me:

- I'm short, redheaded, freckled, wear glasses and I have a nosering. Yes, that's my ass in the pictures.

- I describe myself as "the Bleu Cheese of Women". If you like me, you really like me- if you don't you spend quite a bit of time explaining why you don't with no real basis except "it's just all wrong!"

- Despite the fact that I am single due to divorce (long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away) I have surprisingly little baggage. I do have two kids, but consider them more to be "carry on luggage" than "baggage" as they're still small enough to shove in a duffel bag.

- I speak in my own patois (a la "Made", but they only wish their slang was as cool as mine). Spend enough time with, near or adjacent to me and you will find yourself unconsciously adopting it. Currently though, the only
two people fluent in my language are myself and my sister. For reasons known only to us, we refer to this as having "Nicole Ritchie Disease". There is no known cure.

- I'm a Type A apathetic. My goal is to win a gold medal in the Slacking Off Event.

-You can call me Betty, and when you do so I will call you Al.

- I'm probably the clumsiest and most accident prone person you'll ever meet. That's why I don't play sports....or try to walk in a straight line...*sigh*. The closest I ever came to playing a sport was the summer my friends and I invented the great game of "Midnight Drunken Croquet". Cheating was not only encouraged, it was mandatory to the proper playing of the game.

- I tell census takers that my religion is Frisbeetarian. Jim Stafford will be sainted by our organization as soon as we can get off the roof.

- I occasionally say something that could be described as "science" or "scientific" and no one is more surprised than me when that happens.

- I'm Canadian and I hate Poutine. I will not eat it. You can not force me to try it. I love fries. I love gravy. I looooooooooooove cheese. Put them together and slap a Franglais word for "mess" on it and I'm certain it's poison.

- My main passion is music. I worked in radio and can bore anyone to tears with my vast library of music lore and trivia. I love the up and comers, was once the second highest rated overnight radio personality in Canada and worked for the Junos for several years.

-I always kill the funny ones last.

- I'm a double Sagittarius. That means that I check my horoscope every day, but do everything in my power to make sure that the stars aren't correct. My son has been known to refer to my sign as being a "Sagi- crabby-ass".

-I reserve the right to stop knowing anyone who uses the following nonwords: anyhoo; supposably; supposingly; unthaw; celebutante; baby-bump and Barack Obama. Consider yourself warned and govern yourself accordingly.

- I'm an excellent cook and can usually use more than one of the major food groups at a time.

- I have three degrees and started Grad school. I hold a BA(Hon) in History and Philosophy and another BA in Labour Studies. That makes me not quite qualified to work the night shift at 7 - 11.

- I'm fundamentally lazy. I wrote one thesis to defend for both Honours degrees. It was "The morals, ethics and philosophical ramifications of a generation I never lived as taught to me by the lyrics of "American Pie" by Don
McLean". That means that I got two degrees for memorizing a song.

- Currently, my only hobbies are preparing for the War against the machines and arguing with my cell provider about the bill.

- I believe that in the real world there is no math.

- I'm a history geek and trivia fetishist. Having said that, please expect me to regale you with minutiae such as the historical significance of Friday the 13th...particularly if that date falls in October.

- Nothing makes me quite so happy as a really great coffee cup. Bonus points if I find it at Dollarama.

- I have that annoying form of OCD that doesn't allow food to touch on my plate. People often give me cafeteria trays with the food compartments as gag gifts. To their horror, I'm always thrilled to receive one.

- I hate the Beatles. I hate them as a group. I hate them in other groups. I hate them as solo acts. I hate them collaborating with others. I hate the others who collaborate with them. My hatred of them is so intense that on some days I hate other acts simply for being on the charts at the same time as them. I would have no problem clubbing them to death using baby seals as weapons.

- Some of my favourite things are: raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up in strings, cream colored ponies, crisp apple strudels, door bells, sleigh
bells, schnitzel with noodles, and wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings.

- I'm openly and unapologetically intelligent. I also have a wicked sense of the absurd and love to exploit it. I'm often found laughing at things that are funny only in my head.

- I have a ridiculous love of TMZ. I have been known to refer to watching it as "going to church".

- I'm an above average speller, prefer to use 6 large words when one medium one will do just fine and believe that the ninth circle of Hell should be reserved for those who abuse apostrophes.

- I'm coming to believe that the glue that holds the universe together is actually Coldplay's "Viva la Vida".

- I never over- react. I always react the exact right amount for me in any given situation.

- I believe that nothing is true until it's in a Wiki.

- I'm a terrible camper. I say that because I've never done it and have no interest in doing it. I do like road trips to go see different and unusual things. I have many off- beat trips planned : -)

- I wear a lot of black. It's because, despite being a girl, I for the life of me can't figure out what goes with what.

- I'm fluent in Cereal- Box French.

- Unlike most geeks, I much prefer "Buffy" the movie to "Buffy" the series. That makes me something of a pariah in the geek community.

- I never met a book I didn't like. Well, to be honest, I did once...but I didn't want to hurt its feelings so I told it we could be friends.

- I tell people that my favourite movie is "Casablanca"...which I do love...however, for sheer number of times I've watched it I'd have to say my favourite movie is actually "Wayne's World". I can use any line from that moviein
any real life conversation. I was almost fired once for quoting that movie in the wrong situation...LOL!

- I love roller coasters. Especially wooden ones.

- My favourite smell is the fake vanilla found in candles and dryer sheets.

- I have a completely irrational fear of water and can not swim. I will never learn to swim. I don't even own a bathing suit. I'm also terrified of Carnies and the works of Nickelback, but consider them to be completely rational fears.

- I believe in ghosts AND reincarnation.

- I have a weird fascination with John Holmes and his part in the Wonderland Murders.

- I think it's funny to ask radio announcers to play "Misty" for me. So far, not one has complied. I've also never been arrested, so I consider it a victory.

- I can't speak or understand "text language". I only know LOL and use it to the point of ridiculousness.

- I secretly think Pamela Anderson is smart.

- I love the superfluous use of the letter "u" in British/Canadian spelling.

- Once you get past my hard candy shell, you'll find that I have a heart made out of marshmallow fluff. I'm often found taking in strays, both animals and people and believe that no one should suffer alone.

- I'm very friendly and at first glance seem to be extroverted. In reality I'm very shy and unsure of myself in new social situations until I feel like I'm not the "new girl".

I'm a real person living a real life. I have successes and I fail outrageously from time to time. I'm very good at dusting myself off and trying again, though. I have friends, frenemies and enemies. There's always room for more friends and I welcome them.


## FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q) Where are you from?
A) I was born in Toronto, but moved around quite a bit before we settled on the Prairies. Yes, I’m a westerner. I say “dude”. I do not do anything aquatic because there is no water on the prairies.
Q) Which one is your favorite painting?
A) Huh? Where did that question come from?
Q) I was told you were a famous artist?
A) Uhm…I’m sorry, I think you have me confused with someone else.
Q) Do you do voices on SpongeBob Squarepants?
A) No. Who told you that?
Q) Any other cartoons?
A) Listen…I just told you that I don’t do voices on cartoons. Aren’t you even listening to me?
Q) Are you too lazy to do voiceover work?
A) Uh…what?
Q)Your only skill is talking. That's why you worked in Radio.
A)Uhmmmm...I'm not sure how to answer that.
Q) How did you “get your start” in acting?
A) Who told you about my acting career? SIGH Fine…I was an extra in just about every movie made in Calgary between 1985 and 1996.
Q) Which movie is your favorite?
A) Cool Runnings. I got to pretend that I could skate at all, let alone like an Olympic caliber skater. Apparently, casting directors take what’s on your resume at face value.
Q) Will you autograph this picture for me?
A) Uhm…this is a picture of me getting out of the shower.
Q) So you won’t sign it?
A) This is making me uncomfortable.
Q) What about this one?
A) This is a picture of me folding laundry. Where are you getting these?
Q) So, you’re saying you don’t sign autographs?!
A) You’re creeping me out. HEY! What are you doing?
Q) Just looking for stuff.
A) That’s my desk. Please close the drawer.
Q) Whatever. Tell me about your Nobel Prize?
A) Are you a real reporter? You seem extremely ill prepared.
Q) You're saying you didn't win a Nobel Prize for your work on the Coriolis Effect?
A) I don't even like inertial circles! Why would I study them?
Q) Why won’t you answer any of my questions? What do you have to hide?
A) Now you have a pair of my underwear. You’re not a reporter at all! You’re just a creepy pervert!
Q) Why do you have an F.A.Q. section if you won’t answer questions?
A) You know, I don’t really know. All the big, jazzy websites have one, so, you know, I thought, just to fit in…
Q) Just to fit in? If the big, jazzy websites jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge?
A) …hmmphhh
Q) Are you listening to me?
A) Yes, I’m listening to you. Chill out.
Q) If the other big, jazzy websites jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge?
A) No.
Q) Alright then. Hey, will you sign these panties for me?
A) No.
Q) Oh, okay. Well, Miss “I don’t sign things”
A) Close that drawer.
Q) You’re not the boss of me-
(a brief scuffle ensues)
Q) Ow! You hurt my arm!
A) Any other questions?
Q) Will you autograph-
A) OMG…give me back my vibrator…stop looking in my drawers!!!!!!!
Q) I’ll be going then.
A) Thanks.