The Ugly American
Feb. 27th, 2013 03:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
babeinthewoodsSettle down.
Don't get your panties in a twist. It's not about what you're assuming.
This evening TheSugaryOne and I had one of our conversations. A typical, balls out laugh fest about anything and everything under the sun. We have them daily or else we start to get a little twitchy and sketchy.
Yanno. It's where we go to recharge our mental batteries. No subject is off-limits, taboo or free from our keen (if sometimes cruel) insight. We talk and bust a fucking gut laughing at whatever has set us off on that day's Schadenfreude-a-thon.
Tonight, it happened to be the topic of sexual issues in relationships.
We were discussing two people we know, who recently ended a short-long-term relationship. We don't know what the hell happened, nor do we exactly care because we're not close, if ya know what I mean.
We know them, they know us, and it's NO secret at all that they were sexually incompatible.
There are three sides to the story of the sexual incompatibility, and in our group it's been Monday morning quarterbacked to death. He has his side, she has her side and there's the side that outsiders can see if they bother to open up their eyelids even a fraction of a smidgen.
His side: She "couldn't" do.
Her side: She'd bent over backward, moved heaven and earth to make him happy.
Reality: I don't know how to say this, but he failed miserably.
No, he didn't fail miserably in that she "couldn't", he failed because he fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is Don't get involved in a land war in Asia. Only slightly less well known is Don't go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
Third classic blunder is don't expect the foreigners to conform to your standards on their home turf.
I can feel it. I'm losing you. Indulge me a moment.
Back in the 50's, Lederer and Burdick wrote a fictionalized account of Americans "helping" in Burma. There were two sorts of Americans. There was the "ugly" American-the poorly dressed, rough around the edges idealist who genuinely wanted to help the Burmese through foreign aid...and there were the "Ugly Americans"-the bureaucrats who exhibit a range of blundering, corrupt, and incompetent behaviors, often concentrating on impractical projects that will serve more to benefit American contractors than the local population.
Eventually, this became the launchpad for the term "Ugly American", a boor who comes in with no regard for local customs or interests but instead insists on using a cookie cutter and formulaic approach to problem solving. It evolved to "Ugly American Syndrome"...the point where it's a perjorative term used to describe anyone who expects the problem to conform to the solution (ie. ethno-centric Americans who travel and expect the host culture to conform to them).
And that brings me to the "Ugly Sex-Partner Syndrome".
Back in our gab-fest we discussed the much deconstructed sexual issues of Person A (who couldn't do "it", but tried her hardest to satisfy) and Person B (who believes in his heart of hearts that he did everything in his power to "fix" her).
Oy.
I drew a comparison.
I used to go out with Person C...we'll call him BoyfriendBoy. BoyfriendBoy had a certain act that he considered a "deal breaker"...one I found rather challenging my entire twisted, kinky and fucked up sexual timeline. Just something that I can not seem to bring myself to accomplish no matter how hard I tried.
Many a partner tried and failed to get me to jump the anal hurdle. I have an unblemished record. Despite being made out of sex, fucking like a banshee and giving head like I fucking invented it NOT ONE MAN HAS EVER BREACHED THAT THRESHOLD.
Why?
Dunno.
I have no gory past relating to it...with the exception of the string of failures that all come at it in the exact same way with the exact same results.
Failure.
Utter, total, abject failure.
And so, I told TheSugaryOne, Person B is no different from BoyfriendBoy. They both think they're spectacular at the thing that is the issue because they're basing this on the fact that they've met only success to this point.
Making me cum doesn't make you a fantastic lover. That's like shooting fish in a barrel. I'm so orgasmic that I pity women who are ONLY multi-orgasmic. I cum like Vesuvius. I cum like a rabid werewolf in heat. I cum like a crack-enhanced succubus.
Making me cum is not indicative of your prowess of a lover, nor does it indicate your lack of prowess.
It means you were successful with someone who isn't challenged by this act.
Success is measured by how you manage to get around the obstacles...the people who don't have the magical "easy" button.
How you adapt.
How you roll with the punches.
And failure is measured by the steps that BoyfriendBoy and Person B took in solving the problem. Like the Ugly Americans, they didn't change the language of the message or learn the local customs, they merely spoke at the problem slowly and loudly, expecting the problem to understand them.
In the book, a Burmese journalist writes: "For some reason, the people I meet in my country are not the same as the ones I knew in the United States. A mysterious change seems to come over Americans when they go to a foreign land. They isolate themselves socially. They live pretentiously. They're loud and ostentatious. Perhaps they're frightened and defensive, or maybe they're not properly trained and make mistakes out of ignorance."
When they failed, it could not be the problem of the ones who took a tried and true formula and assumed that it's a one size fits all solution. No, it's the failure of the one who wasn't able to understand them, no matter how slowly or loudly they spoke...even though they didn't bother to get a Berlitz guide, learn a few local phrases and enough of the customs to not be crass. Instead of making the issue the fact that the solution ISN'T one size fits all, they take offense to the fact that what they know to be successful hasn't ensured success.
Their egos become tied up in the success and any lack of success translates into "failure"...since it's been "successful" in the past, but isn't now, then the onus of responsibility must reside with the one who doesn't respond to the inside the box solution.
You taking notes BoyfriendBoy and Person B?
It's not just BoyfriendBoy and Person B, though. You see it all the time on here.
Somebody asks a question and it'll go like this: I can't get my bf/gf/sub/slave/Dom/Master/play partner to and I'm confused. It's been easy with everyone else but no matter how often I , it's not working. What's wrong with him/her?
And I sigh...because no one wants to hear that their successes don't indicate ability as much as they'd love to think it does. No one wants to hear that they're being obnoxious tourists. No one wants to know they're being Ugly Americans while on vacation.
The fact is, when you succeed with the challenges, when you overcome the obstacles, when you adapt the solution to the specific situational issues of the problem and succeed, THAT'S when you can shout from rooftops about your ability in.
Until that day comes, you're just lucky that the natives know enough English to understand YOU.
Don't get your panties in a twist. It's not about what you're assuming.
This evening TheSugaryOne and I had one of our conversations. A typical, balls out laugh fest about anything and everything under the sun. We have them daily or else we start to get a little twitchy and sketchy.
Yanno. It's where we go to recharge our mental batteries. No subject is off-limits, taboo or free from our keen (if sometimes cruel) insight. We talk and bust a fucking gut laughing at whatever has set us off on that day's Schadenfreude-a-thon.
Tonight, it happened to be the topic of sexual issues in relationships.
We were discussing two people we know, who recently ended a short-long-term relationship. We don't know what the hell happened, nor do we exactly care because we're not close, if ya know what I mean.
We know them, they know us, and it's NO secret at all that they were sexually incompatible.
There are three sides to the story of the sexual incompatibility, and in our group it's been Monday morning quarterbacked to death. He has his side, she has her side and there's the side that outsiders can see if they bother to open up their eyelids even a fraction of a smidgen.
His side: She "couldn't" do
Her side: She'd bent over backward, moved heaven and earth to make him happy.
Reality: I don't know how to say this, but he failed miserably.
No, he didn't fail miserably in that she "couldn't", he failed because he fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is Don't get involved in a land war in Asia. Only slightly less well known is Don't go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
Third classic blunder is don't expect the foreigners to conform to your standards on their home turf.
I can feel it. I'm losing you. Indulge me a moment.
Back in the 50's, Lederer and Burdick wrote a fictionalized account of Americans "helping" in Burma. There were two sorts of Americans. There was the "ugly" American-the poorly dressed, rough around the edges idealist who genuinely wanted to help the Burmese through foreign aid...and there were the "Ugly Americans"-the bureaucrats who exhibit a range of blundering, corrupt, and incompetent behaviors, often concentrating on impractical projects that will serve more to benefit American contractors than the local population.
Eventually, this became the launchpad for the term "Ugly American", a boor who comes in with no regard for local customs or interests but instead insists on using a cookie cutter and formulaic approach to problem solving. It evolved to "Ugly American Syndrome"...the point where it's a perjorative term used to describe anyone who expects the problem to conform to the solution (ie. ethno-centric Americans who travel and expect the host culture to conform to them).
And that brings me to the "Ugly Sex-Partner Syndrome".
Back in our gab-fest we discussed the much deconstructed sexual issues of Person A (who couldn't do "it", but tried her hardest to satisfy) and Person B (who believes in his heart of hearts that he did everything in his power to "fix" her).
Oy.
I drew a comparison.
I used to go out with Person C...we'll call him BoyfriendBoy. BoyfriendBoy had a certain act that he considered a "deal breaker"...one I found rather challenging my entire twisted, kinky and fucked up sexual timeline. Just something that I can not seem to bring myself to accomplish no matter how hard I tried.
Many a partner tried and failed to get me to jump the anal hurdle. I have an unblemished record. Despite being made out of sex, fucking like a banshee and giving head like I fucking invented it NOT ONE MAN HAS EVER BREACHED THAT THRESHOLD.
Why?
Dunno.
I have no gory past relating to it...with the exception of the string of failures that all come at it in the exact same way with the exact same results.
Failure.
Utter, total, abject failure.
And so, I told TheSugaryOne, Person B is no different from BoyfriendBoy. They both think they're spectacular at the thing that is the issue because they're basing this on the fact that they've met only success to this point.
Making me cum doesn't make you a fantastic lover. That's like shooting fish in a barrel. I'm so orgasmic that I pity women who are ONLY multi-orgasmic. I cum like Vesuvius. I cum like a rabid werewolf in heat. I cum like a crack-enhanced succubus.
Making me cum is not indicative of your prowess of a lover, nor does it indicate your lack of prowess.
It means you were successful with someone who isn't challenged by this act.
Success is measured by how you manage to get around the obstacles...the people who don't have the magical "easy" button.
How you adapt.
How you roll with the punches.
And failure is measured by the steps that BoyfriendBoy and Person B took in solving the problem. Like the Ugly Americans, they didn't change the language of the message or learn the local customs, they merely spoke at the problem slowly and loudly, expecting the problem to understand them.
In the book, a Burmese journalist writes: "For some reason, the people I meet in my country are not the same as the ones I knew in the United States. A mysterious change seems to come over Americans when they go to a foreign land. They isolate themselves socially. They live pretentiously. They're loud and ostentatious. Perhaps they're frightened and defensive, or maybe they're not properly trained and make mistakes out of ignorance."
When they failed, it could not be the problem of the ones who took a tried and true formula and assumed that it's a one size fits all solution. No, it's the failure of the one who wasn't able to understand them, no matter how slowly or loudly they spoke...even though they didn't bother to get a Berlitz guide, learn a few local phrases and enough of the customs to not be crass. Instead of making the issue the fact that the solution ISN'T one size fits all, they take offense to the fact that what they know to be successful hasn't ensured success.
Their egos become tied up in the success and any lack of success translates into "failure"...since it's been "successful" in the past, but isn't now, then the onus of responsibility must reside with the one who doesn't respond to the inside the box solution.
You taking notes BoyfriendBoy and Person B?
It's not just BoyfriendBoy and Person B, though. You see it all the time on here.
Somebody asks a question and it'll go like this: I can't get my bf/gf/sub/slave/Dom/Master/play partner to
And I sigh...because no one wants to hear that their successes don't indicate ability as much as they'd love to think it does. No one wants to hear that they're being obnoxious tourists. No one wants to know they're being Ugly Americans while on vacation.
The fact is, when you succeed with the challenges, when you overcome the obstacles, when you adapt the solution to the specific situational issues of the problem and succeed, THAT'S when you can shout from rooftops about your ability in
Until that day comes, you're just lucky that the natives know enough English to understand YOU.
